


riverfail

by werkfrumhoem



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, riverfail
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-05 11:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14617110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werkfrumhoem/pseuds/werkfrumhoem
Summary: read the notes





	1. Archie is a FUCKBOY

**Author's Note:**

> ok so long story short: i fucking came back to ao3 to post the new chaper but riverfail wasn't there and i got SO FREAKED OUT and after a few stressful fucking minutes i've confirmed that it is actually deleted somehow and i am really sad so now i'm here and i'm just gonna post what i have saved today because i also lost chapter 6 which i was writing and omgggggg
> 
> also this just HAD TO HAPPEN right after we reached 1000 hits...and now i have to start ALL over with the stats and im sooooo pissed...i'm a desperate hoe....

Jason was murdered. In fact, his twin sister, Cheryl, had murdered him, because he was fucking Archie. And Polly. And half the girls on the River Vixens squad. She had put on quite a show, and acted like she was innocent. People believed her. 

Except for Betty. Betty was always suspicious of everyone. Always. Especially when she thought Jughead was fucking Veronica. 

She decided to pull up at the crime scene at the lake and talk to Cheryl. She arrived with Archie and Veronica in her car, and they, well, obviously, got out of the car. 

“Hey, Cheryl, can I talk to you?” Betty asked Cheryl, whose face was stained with tears.

Cheryl turned around slowly with an unreadable face. “I don’t know…can you?”

Betty rolled her eyes into another dimension. “Okay, you murdered Jason, didn’t you?” Betty questioned, trying to get an answer out of Cheryl.

Cheryl hesitated, but kept her poker face. “Yes, I did. Your point is?”

Betty blinked. Once. “What the  _ fuck _ , Cheryl?”

This time, Cheryl blinked. Once. “Speaking of  _ fuck _ , Archie is doing that to Veronica on top of your car.” Betty gasped dramatically and turned around to find Veronica and Archie doing gross stuff to each other. 

“Shit. Well, I need to go to burn a random ass dude with maple syrup with Veronica. So, peace out,” Betty said to Cheryl, entering her car. Veronica and Archie stopped doing their gross things and got into the car as well. Cheryl followed Betty to ask her a question; however, Cheryl ended up tripping on a small pebble. She fell forward face-first (still having a poker face) and fell through Betty’s car window, smashing it into bits and pieces. Betty turned to Cheryl briskly to see what was happening, and Cheryl’s face fell into Betty’s face. Both of their eyes were wide-open, yet they didn’t pull back from each other. As they were still connected face-to-face, Betty said, “What the  _ fuck _ , Cheryl?”

Cheryl woke from her half-conscious daze and backed up quickly. “Speaking of  _ fuck _ , Archie is doing that to Veronica  _ inside  _ your car right now,” Cheryl said, her face full of glass shards. 

In the back seats, Archie was bashing Veronica’s head with his guitar and using his guitar pick to carve out a six-pack on his stomach. Veronica was desperate for more, so she grabbed Archie’s guitar pick and she carved out little holes in Archie’s ears. Then, she pushed her diamond earrings into Archie’s ears forcefully, causing them to bleed. Archie continuously bashed Veronica’s head with the guitar, as Veronica licked Archie’s blood. 

“What the  _ fuck, _ Varchie?” Betty yelled at Veronica and Archie. Betty expected them to stop, but to no avail. 

“Do you have to deal with this everyday?” Cheryl asked, genuinely curious. 

Betty brushed off glass shards from her shoulders and replied, “No shit I do.” 

“Oh boy, Jughead’s here.” Betty pointed to a vrooming motorcycle with Jughead riding on it backwards. 

Cheryl turned towards him, eyeing his Serpent jacket. Jughead jumped off and pushed Cheryl out of the way and faced Betty whilst leaning on the side of her car.

“What’s up,  _ bitch _ ?” Jughead exclaimed to Betty. “I’m part of the Serpents now,  _ bitch _ .”

“Hey, don’t talk to her like that,” Cheryl said, still with a poker face. Her voice and tone had no emotions either.

“You got a problem,  _ bitch _ ?” Jughead smirked. Cheryl was extremely taken aback by this. Her poker face broke for a split second. Jughead had just called her a “ _ bitch _ .” Nobody calls her  _ bitch. _ Only her mom does, but that’s another story. Cheryl mentally added Jughead to her never-ending murder list.  

Jughead saw Varchie in the back seat and punched out the back seat window. Varchie turned towards Jughead while Cheryl kept her infamous poker face.

“What the  _ fuck _ , Jughead?” Betty shouted. “I’m gonna have to pay for these broken ass windows later!”

Jughead completely ignored Betty. “Ay, Archie, what’s good,  _ bitch _ ?” Instead of a hello gesture from Archie, Archie stuck his tongue all the way down Jughead’s throat, making him choke. “Daddy... _ bitch _ ,” Jughead managed to murmur. 

Veronica looked on with half of a guitar implanted in her head. She smiled at Jarchie and said, “Aw, they are such good friends.” 

Betty stared at Veronica with a disbelieving look and said, “What the  _ fuck _ , Veronica? They are literally making out in front of you, how can you say they are they just friends?”

“Well, I trust Archie,” Veronica said swaying in her seat as if she was in a cartoon romantic movie. The guitar part in her head wobbled with her. “He’s an amazing boyfriend. In fact, he called me side chick #10, behind Josie, Grundy, Jason, Toni, Jughead, Kevin, Valerie, you, and Polly, and he called me a tool multiple times! Honestly, I consider him my soulmate.”

Betty sighed in defeat. “Well, put your clothes back on at least.”

“Fine,” Veronica said, grinning. She didn’t put her clothes back on; however, she pulled Archie’s boxers over her face and stuck her tongue out and licked every part of the boxer that she could find. 

This finally broke Cheryl’s poker face, and not in a good way. Betty screamed: “What the  _ fuck _ , Veronica?” as Jughead choked Archie with his nasty musty dusty rusty crusty ass beanie. 


	2. It's the FUCKING JANITOR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here is the 2nd deleted chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a gooooood day

“Cheryl, did you really kill Jason?” Toni asked Cheryl, holding her hand.

“No, I didn’t, for the last time,” Cheryl replied, rolling her eyes.

“Then why did Betty tell me you did? She even said you told her you did.”

“Okay, fine, I killed him, but that’s beside the point!” Cheryl exclaimed, flailing her arms around.

“Wait, what? Cheryl, why?” Toni asked, getting more and more frightened by Cheryl.

“Because...he was fucking Archie, and Polly and like half of the River Vixens,” Cheryl sighed.

“Hold up...Archie’s cheating on me?” Toni exclaimed.

Cheryl yelled back: “First off, Archie is literally fucking every living thing that he sees that has a hole. Second off, since when was he fucking you? Third off, you’re basically cheating on me!”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” Toni shouted, with an angry expression written on her face. “Okay, I won’t tell anyone about you murdering Jason.”

“Everyone already knows that I did.”

“Well, you don't want your mom to know, do you?"

"Oh, that bitch!" Cheryl yelled, looking as if she was ready to punch someone.

"I won't tell her under one circumstance.”

“Which is?”

“Well,” Toni said reluctantly, thinking about what she should say. “Help me murder Archie, and don’t fucking tell anyone.”

“Okay, I’ll do it,” Cheryl nodded. “How, though?”

 

\---

 

“Did the Black Hood call you again?” Veronica asked, sipping on her low-fat, zero calories, half-caf water. Betty and Veronica were sitting alone at Pop’s, in a booth.

“Yes, and I’ve decided that I’m going to track the Black Hood down,” Betty said seriously.

“That’s not really safe,” Veronica implied.

“It’s not really safe when you don’t use condoms with Archie,” Betty fired back.

Veronica choked on her low-fat, zero calories, half-caf water and spat it out over her clothes and the table. “Um, how in the _fuck_ would you know that?”

“...That doesn’t matter!” Betty exclaimed, quick to change the subject. “Anyway, I need you to help me find who the Black Hood is.”

“Where the hell do we start?”

“Well, he gave me a big ass clue when he called me,” Betty said.

“Which was?” Veronica questioned, cleaning up the water on her shirt with a napkin.

Betty started to recall the events of last night, telling Veronica every detail that she could remember.

_Betty bit her lip, trying to focus and complete her essay for school, even though there was a murderer on the loose. She had three missed calls from Jughead and one missed call from Veronica. At this point, she didn’t bother with picking up her phone. Every time she did, it was either that someone died, or that they needed help with something. She wanted to help them, and comfort them, but she needed to focus on school at some time. One of her dreams was to go to an Ivy League College, and that was not happening if she had to deal with Veronica’s period._

_Suddenly, her phone rang. She picked up the phone and noticed that the caller was “Unknown.” Of course, it was the Black Hood._

_Slowly picking up the phone, she put it against her ear._

_“Hello?” Betty timidly said, barely above a whisper._

_“Hello, Betty,” the Black Hood answered._

_“What do you want?” Betty exclaimed, standing up from her desk, and pacing around her room._

_“Oh, Betty,” the Black Hood said. “You know Jason? How he died so pathetically? Well, surprise, surprise, I killed him.”_

_Betty’s mortified face turned into a confused expression. “Um, but Cheryl told me that she killed Jason though.”_

_“Are you just going to believe Cheryl’s word?”_

_“Well, I’m definitely not trusting_ you _, ‘cause you’re a big ass murderer!”_

_“That’s literally the reason why you should take my word.”_

_“No, I am not, and I will never! You are a sick person!”_

_“Okay. I don’t know how or why you’re so stupid, but I’m a_ serial killer _and I have_ murdered _numerous people before, right?” the Black Hood exclaimed, with obvious annoyance._

_“Mhm, that’s right,” Betty responded._

_“Therefore, it would be logical that_ I _killed Jason, not Cheryl because_ I _am a_ mass murderer! _”_

_Betty blinked. Once. “Yeah, so Cheryl did kill Jason!”_

_“No!” the Black Hood yelled, clearly frustrated. The killer took a deep breath. “Look, I came here to scare the shit out of you, and you’re making my job extremely difficult!”_

_“Right, whatever. Anyway, what the_ fuck _do you want?”_

_“I want you to work with me, together. I know your dark side. I know the real Betty. We would be unstoppable together.”_

_“Um, no, because, stranger fucking danger! Also, you aren’t even that scary. You just have a low ass voice. I actually have a look. I have an actual weave that snatches other people’s weaves. All you have is a nasty musty dusty rusty crusty ass hood that you cut holes in manually. I also have maple syrup as a weapon, and you have an extremely unoriginal weapon that all killers use, a gun. Like, where are your standards? I mean, what the_ fuck, _Black Hood?”_

_“Fine, I’ll make a deal with you. If I tell you who I am, will you join me?”_

_“I don’t know...can I?” Betty smirked, using what she learned from Cheryl._

_“I’m done with you!” the Black Hood shouted. “Look, you want to know who I am? I’m Hermione Lodge, the mother of your friend, Veronica, and the wife of the infamous Hiram Lodge!”_

_Betty’s jaw dropped to the floor and she dramatically gasped. “Oh my gosh...It’s the janitor.”_

_“No Betty,_ No―! _” Through the phone, you could hear Hermione smashing her phone._

 

“Wait, so after all this time, it’s the janitor?” Veronica said, completely surprised.

“Yeah, I was shocked,” Betty said, sighing.

“Well, have him arrested!”

“That’s kind of difficult, considering that he murdered the whole police force,” Betty replied casually.

“Okay, so how can we get him locked up?” Veronica asked.

“Hm, I was thinking-”

Out of nowhere, the janitor from school walks into Pop’s. In fact, he has a Pop’s uniform on him. “Wait, does the janitor work at Pop’s?” Veronica whispered to Betty, eyeing the janitor.

The owner of Pop’s greeted the janitor as he put on a chef hat.

“What the _fuck_?” Betty exclaimed.

Veronica stood up suddenly and pointed at the janitor. “Hey, you!”

The janitor turned around and smiled sincerely when he saw Veronica. “Hello, Veronica.”

“You’re the Black Hood and you’re a cold-blooded murderer!” Veronica screamed, flailing her arms about.

“Wh-what are you talking about?” the janitor replied, clearly confused and afraid.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about!”

The janitor was tongue-tied, having no clue how to respond. “Betty, could you please calm your friend down?”

Betty grabbed her black wig from out of nowhere and shoved it onto her head. She ran towards the janitor and jabbed her fingers into his eyes. It took her multiple tries to get her fingers out, making the janitor wail in pain. As the janitor collapsed to the ground, Betty ran over to Pop Tate and suffocated him with his own chef hat.

“Fuck you,” Betty said to Pop Tate. “Your hamburgers were never good...Will you shut the fuck up?" Betty yelled at the janitor, who was busy screaming his head off. She suffocated the janitor with the chef hat as well. After she confirmed he was dead, she skipped on over to Veronica.

Veronica sipped on her low-fat, zero calories, half-caf water and raised her eyebrows at Betty. Betty took off her weave and threw it at Veronica, and made her way to the bathroom in order to wash the blood off of her hands.

 

\---

 

News reporters were scattered around Pop’s, trying to interview Veronica and Betty for a story. Veronica had made a smoothie out of every possible flavor, including the burger patties and some pickles, and she actually enjoyed. As she sipped on her lovely drink, Betty and she were pretending to cry, and their acting was worse than shit.

“Now, Betty and Veronica, I know what you went through must have been horrible. But, if you can recall, what exactly happened this evening?” A new reporter asked, shoving a microphone into Betty and Veronica’s face.

Veronica spoke up first. “Right now, everything is still a blur, but I remember that the janitor came in and then he tried to suffocate Pop to death. But Pop stabbed him in the eyes, but the janitor still managed to kill Pop.” Veronica took a deep breath, telling herself that she needs to actually be sad. “Betty and I were hiding under the table so that the janitor couldn’t see. And then, he suffocated himself to death right in front of us.” Promptly, Veronica broke into forced tears.

“Betty, what do you think about your own school janitor being the Black Hood?” the News Reporter asked.

“I-I,” Betty stuttered on purpose. She needed to make sure that others would know she had nothing to do with anything. “I...I really...I’m…”

“It’s okay,” the news reporter said, trying to comfort Betty. “Just tell us what you can get out.”

“It was...a complete surprise. I never expected it to be the janitor. He was...he was always a nice man,” Betty stated, sniffling.

“Right, so you didn’t see this coming at all?” the news reporter questioned.

“No, I would have never predicted-” Betty got cut off when Hiram and Hermione, Veronica’s parents, ran over to Veronica from their rich ass Lamborghini.

“Oh, Veronica!” Hiram yelled. “Thank god you’re okay.” Hermione followed closely behind, her high heels clicking on the concrete. Hiram hugged Veronica and kissed her gently on the forehead.

Hermione snatched the microphone from the news reporter and screamed: "I'm the fucking murderer, not the janitor, you idiots!"

The news reporter took back the microphone. "As you can see, even Hermione Lodge, the mother of Veronica Lodge, agrees that it is the janitor." Veronica looked down sadly.

"You fucking stupid asses!" Hermione yelled at the camera, obviously frustrated.

“What the _fuck_ , Lodges? I’m in the middle of a very important live fucking television interview! Like, excuse me! Do not ever interrupt me, because I'm an attention whore, you fuckers!” Betty screamed, scaring the news reporter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3rd deleted chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i still cannot get over the fact that i FUCKING deleted this SHIT

“This is where Archie lives?” Toni asked, standing front of a small house.

“Yes, it is,” Cheryl replied, looking over at Toni. “You ready?”

“Fuck yeah, I am!” Toni yelled. She kicked Archie’s fence gate off its hinges and sent it flying to the ground. Immediately, she grabbed her foot and grimaced in pain. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Cheryl walked casually through the nonexistent gate and slowly clapped at Toni’s success. “Fucking idiot,” Cheryl remarked, putting on a poker face.

At this point, Toni’s ankle had turned the color of Toni’s purple highlights. “Shit, I think I sprained it or something,” Toni said, obviously in pain. She hooked her hand onto Cheryl’s shoulder for support.

“Get your nasty musty dusty rusty crusty ass hand off of me,” Cheryl stated, starring Toni down.

“Okay, okay,” Toni said, slowly releasing her grasp off Cheryl. Just as she let go, Toni fell backwards, falling on the broken fence gate lying on the ground. “Ow, shit!” Toni said, sitting up instantly because of the pain. Looking behind her, the gate was snapped in half because of her fall on it. She put her hand on her back, as if it would help her pain.

“Fucking idiot,” Cheryl snickered. “Anyway, let’s murder this fuckboy.”

“Wait,” Toni said. “I, uh...have to grab something.”

Cheryl sighed, putting her hands on her hip. “What now?”

“Hold on,” Toni said. She squatted down and then put her hand down her pants into her butt crack. She dug into her butt and then slowly pulled out a shotgun from her butthole. Cheryl was completely mortified by this, and struggled to find words. “I just keep it on me at all times. In case of an emergency or something,” Toni said cooly.

“Wh-wha…” Cheryl muttered, unable to comprehend anything.

“Okay, stay right there,” Toni said, walking up to Cheryl. Cheryl fell into her half-conscious daze, still unable to understand anything that was happening to her. Toni kicked Cheryl in the butt, and then Cheryl shit herself. Literally.

“Oh my gosh,” Cheryl gasped, quickly waking from her daze. “You just made me shit myself! These pants cost like $800! And my lingerie costs double that amount! And my shit costs triple that!”

“Don’t worry,” Toni said, reaching into Cheryl’s pants from behind. Toni pulled out a shotgun shell, surprising Cheryl.

“Holy fuck!” Cheryl shouted, her eyes bulging out of her skull. As Cheryl was having a mind-blowing moment, Toni loaded her shotgun. “Since when did you shove that up my ass?”

“Uh...hello, girls,” a voice called from the porch of Archie’s house. The girls turned around to see Archie’s dad, Fred.

Cheryl put on her best fake smile she could manage. “Hi, Fred.” Toni just waved at him.

“What are you two doing here? With a shotgun?” Fred laughed.

“We...we...um, we…” Toni started, unable to form words.

“We were hunting plants,” Cheryl said.

“You what?” Fred chuckled. “You’re hunting plants? Is that a thing now?”

Toni cocked her gun and said, “Yeah, you got a problem?”

“No, I just never heard of that before.”

Toni raised her shotgun and aimed at Fred, pulling the trigger. The gunshot made Cheryl scream and cover her ears because of the noise, duh, and Fred fell onto his knees, his eyes rolling back into his head because he was dead, duh.

“Fucker,” Toni said sternly. She walked over Fred’s corpse, as Cheryl stepped over it in her stilettos.

A naked Archie came running downstairs to check on what the loud noise was. His body was covered with mini drawn six-packs, and his guitar was duct taped to his chest.

“So, do we just shoot him?” Toni asked Cheryl.

“But my ass only had one shell, though.”

“Shit! How do we murder him?” Toni exclaimed, obviously worried. The two of them started arguing about how to kill Archie in front of him, but Archie just stood there and strummed his guitar.

“Here!” Toni said, pulling out a white powder from her pocket. “I have some drugs, we can overdose him for now.”

“Why the fuck do you have drugs on you? It’s not even in fucking bag! A, that’s extremely unsanitary! B, why cocaine? Why not heroin or meth? Like those drugs are way better than cocaine. C, just... _ why _ ?” Cheryl said.

“Look, it’s part of the Serpent code,” Toni said, defending herself. “Just help me drug Archie, and we’ll decide what to do with him later.”

“Okay, okay. He’s being a fuckboy with his guitar! It’s literally going to be impossible with his fuckboyness!”

“It certainly won’t work with your attitude!” Toni yelled, frustrated.

“Ugh,” Cheryl grunted. “Fine, you do it. I don’t want fuckboy germs on me.”

“Do you think I do? Alright, shut the fuck up, and I’ll do it.”

Cheryl sighed. “Fine.”

Toni faced Archie, and thought about what she should say. “Archie, open your mouth.” Archie didn’t budge, except for the fact that he was strumming his guitar violently, making the shittiest melody ever.

Toni cleared her throat and raised her voice. “Oh, Archie,” Toni  started stated in a sexual way. She fit multiple groans and orgasms in her sentence. “Could you open your mouth?”

Archie immediately opened his mouth as Cheryl looked on as if the other two were insane. Toni dumped her cocaine into Archie’s mouth and told him to swallow. As Archie followed Toni’s directions, the distant blare of an ambulance and police siren was heard.

“Oh, goddamnit! Your shotgun was too fucking loud, you dumbass! Somebody called the fucking police!” Cheryl dragged Fred’s corpse into the house from the porch, not bothering to clean up the blood left behind. “What do we do?”

"Wait, didn't the Black Hood murder the entire police force though?" Toni asked. Archie’s head suddenly fell down to his chest, and his eyes were closed like he was sleeping. His face had a blue tint to it.

"Yeah, but...oh, yeah. That's right," Cheryl realized. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Whatever! Leave Fred here. Nobody gives a shit about him,” Toni said, panicking. “Okay, okay, let’s go out the back and then just fucking run. And help me carry this fuckboy.”

Cheryl followed her directions, and they slowly made their way to the backdoor. They ran as fast as possible away from Archie’s house, while dragging Archie by his hair.

A few minutes later after sprinting their asses off they arrived at Veronica’s street.  “Veronica’s house is  just across the street, right there ” Cheryl said out of breath, as she pointed to a mansion.

“Hold the fuck on, will you? I need to breathe,” Toni panted. She dug into her ass with her hand and pulled out an asthma inhaler ; she used it until it was empty. . She used it until it was empty after shaking it up.

“So, do you keep everything in your ass?” Cheryl asked.

“Yeah, it’s Serpent code. Anyways, let’s go to Veronica’s and see if she can help us out.”

Cheryl agreed and they walked on over to Veronica’s house. Archie was half-bald because his hair was ripped out when the girls ran from the cops. His hair looked like Ron Howard’s fucking hair.

They arrived at Veronica’s diamond and gold porch. “So, do we just ring the doorbell or what?” Toni asked.

“I mean, I guess,” Cheryl replied. She hit the doorbell 69 times to be exact, and yes, she was counting. Out loud.

They heard the click of Veronica’s high heels through the door and Toni started to panic. “Cheryl! What are we doing? It’s going to look like we murdered Archie!”

 

“ Well, we’re going to anyway! Also,  W w e only drugged him!”

“But still! Veronica’s going to beat our asses!”

“Let’s just  dump him here and get the fuck out of here . I’m  _ sure  _ it’ll be fine.”

“So de run away or-” Toni got interrupted when Veronica opened the door.

“Hello, girls. What are you doing here?” Veronica smiled. She still hadn’t looked down on the ground,  and hadn’t noticed  the overdosed Archie yet.

“Oh, we...um, have to go…” Cheryl said.

Choni sprinted away from Veronica’s house, tripping over nothing in the process while Veronica watched them.

Veronica took one step out onto her porch. “Hm, the porch is squishy today.” She looked down, and her jaw dropped to the ground.

“ _ ARRRRRRRRRRRRCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEE _ !” Veronica screamed loudly, breaking all the windows of her rich ass mansion. The echo of Veronica’s scream could be heard throughout the  entire  world the  whole day.

 

\---

“So his body was just left here?” Betty asked Veronica. Veronica had called Betty over to figure out the Archie situation.

“Yes! Cheryl and Toni left him here,” Veronica said. She nudged Archie’s face, and all his hair just fell out.

“Oh, no...it’s the janitor!” Betty gasped.

“Wait, I thought he died…” Veronica said.

“He did! But he’s come back from the dead!”

“Uh, that only happens like...in TV shows,” Veronica pointed out.

“Well, bitch, it’s the janitor, whether you like it or not!” Betty exclaimed.

\---

"What are you doing here, bitch?" Jughead asked. Kevin Keller, out of all people, had shown up to Jughead/FP's house.

"Good question," Kevin responded. "I've decided that I want to join the Serpents. For real."

FP sprinted to the door when he heard Kevin's reply. "Bitch, you want to join the Serpents?"

"Yes, I do. I'm not joking," Kevin insisted. FP and Jughead stared at Kevin like he was crazy.

"Bitch, okay," FP. "Bitch, but, you've got to prove yourself."

"Yeah, bitch. The first step is to memorize the six Laws of the Serpents, bitch," Jughead added.

"Okay, what are they?" Kevin asked. 

"Bitch, there are five fucking rules. Bitch, number one: hate the northside, no matter what. Bitch, number two: always have a drug in powder form at ready in your Serpent leather jacket. Bitch, number three: if you die, that ain't our problem. Bitch, number four: look like a retard by walking really slowly in a gang everywhere, and try to act cool, but not succeed in doing so. Bitch, number five: you can't quit the Serpents once you join. Bitch, number six: get a nasty musty dusty rusty crusty ass tattoo of our Serpent logo, and keep everything in your tight ass, " FP said briskly, all in one breath. When FP spit out the laws, Kevin was writing it down in a notebook.

"Thank you!" Kevin said. "I look forward to being a Serpent!" 

"Bye, bitch!" Jughead shut the door on Kevin's face. Kevin skipped to his car all gay and decided that he had made the right choice of becoming a serpent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a noice day


	4. It's the FUCKING JANITOR BITCH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> welp here is the 4th one aka the bad one

Archie’s funeral was held at a church. Many people gathered in the pews. Archie’s casket was raised on a stage, with white flowers. Veronica had helped decorate the Archie's casket. After Archie’s dad’s funeral happened, Veronica stepped up to the podium behind the stage with a confident mien.

She cleared her throat and said: “Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got exactly what was coming to him. Archie literally never had my back. Whenever I wanted to strut across school campus or down a long hallway with Betty and Jughead, he'd always be like, ‘I have a colonic!’ So instead of strutting across school campus in a beautiful diamond formation, we were forced to strut across the school campus in a triad formation, like a bunch of hobos, because Archie didn't think he should have to walk behind me. But whenever I find myself descending a staircase in heels, you can bet Archie was right there behind me with a helpful little nudge. This dumb dead whore also used his six-pack to seduce 9 other people into rubbing uglies with him. So I hope you all grasp the concept that this is what happens when you rub uglies with other people than me…You end up dead! So, have fun being dead, Archie. You were a stupid little trollop, and I hope you're burning in hell right now. Amen.”

“Amen,” said everyone, including the authors of this story, everyone in the crowd, and literally anybody with a brain who watches Riverdale or reads this.

Suddenly, Archie’s casket started shaking violently. The cover of the casket flew off and landed on top of Fred’s casket. Archie slowly sat up while running his hand through his non-existent hair.

Veronica sprinted to Archie’s casket with a look of happy disbelief. “Oh, Archiekins!” Veronica hugged Archie a little too tight and kissed him aggressively on his temple. “I thought you were dead! Oh, honey!”

“What the fuck, Veronica?” Betty screamed. “Just a minute ago you called your fuckboy a backstabbing little bitch, a dead dumb whore, and a stupid little trollop! And now, you’re literally doing the opposite. Am I crazy bitch or does anyone else see this?”

Betty got nothing but cricket chirps in response. It was dead fucking silent. "Thank you for making that announcement that literally nobody cared about," Veronica yelled. 

Betty sighed. "Nevermind, fuckhead." 

Suddenly, Veronica gasped loudly, almost popping her lungs. "Betty, you were right!"

"I'm always right," Betty responded, standing from her seat. "What are you talking about though?"

"If Archie can come back to life, then the janitor can as well, which means that the janitor is still alive!" Veronica exclaimed. "And he's going to murder more people!"

"Holy shit!" said everyone in the church in unison. Except for Hermione. 

"Guys, I'm the fucking murderer, not the janitor!" Hermione yelled. Everyone just ignored her. 

 

\---

 

"How are we supposed to fucking kill Archie again? 'Cause our plan obviously didn't work!" Toni stated. Toni had gone over to Cheryl's house while Cheryl's mother, Penelope, was out of town, probably to go have sex with people without Cheryl in the house.

"Well, how the fuck am I supposed to know?" Cheryl answered. "Maybe next time, actually kill him!"

"That wasn't my fault that Fred got in our way!" Toni yelled back.

"Well, it's not my fault that you shot him with the shell that we were supposed to shoot Archie with!" Cheryl screamed back at her. An awkward silence filled the room, as they stared each other down.

"Arguing isn't helping. Let's make a plan to murder Archie again, and forget about the past," Toni said, calming her nerves.

"Okay, so how should we kill him?" Cheryl questioned.

Just as Cheryl responded, her mother walked in on the two of them talking. "Kill who?" Penelope asked with a stern face.

"Why are you here?" Cheryl said.

"Why is Toni here?" Penelope replied. "This is a home, not a place for you two to be having sex."

"I mean...home and homo; they both sound pretty fucking similar to me," Toni started. 

Penelope rolled her eyes into another dimension. "Dick. Anyways, why are you two here?"

"Toni's here because we're planning a murder!" Cheryl blurted out. She only realized what she said after she spoke.

 

\---

 

"Go, go, go, go!" The serpents chanted. Kevin was doing the first step of becoming a serpent, which was eating five full cups of cocaine in one sitting in front of all the Serpents.

"Bitch, faster, c'mon!" FP cheered. Kevin was on his second cup now, and his entire face was covered in white powder. 

"Can I please have some water?" Kevin pleaded.

"No, you gotta eat it dry, bitch!" Jughead yelled. "Go, bitch! You got four more cups to go, bitch!"

Kevin tilted his head back and dumped the entire cup of cocaine that he was holding into his mouth. He patted the mountain of cocaine in his mouth and swallowed it whole. 

"This tastes great!" Kevin said. He proceeded to dump all the cups into his mouth and nose as the Serpents cheered on. 

"Yeah, Kevin! Whoo-hoo!" Toni yelled amongst the other cheers.

Kevin raised his fists in triumph as he downed the last bit of cocaine in his mouth. All the Serpents cheered and congratulated him as confetti cocaine was sprinkled on him.

As some of the Serpents cleaned the cocaine mess, Jughead and Toni started to talk. "So, where's your bitch, bitch?" Jughead asked Toni.

"Cheryl? Well, her mom sent her to an asylum for insane people. I didn't stop her," Toni said.

"Why did her mom send her there, bitch?"

"Um..." Toni started. "I didn't have anything to do with it. Like nothing at all. Like we, uh, didn't try to murder Archie or anything. That would be crazy, y'know? So, I dunno. I really dunno. I totally don't know anything about why she was sent there, so...yeah, I, uh...I just don't know."

"Oh, bitch," Jughead responded. "Do you have a plan for getting her back, bitch?"

\---

 

Last time Betty had lit a small lighter in front of Chic. Last time Betty's mom almost killed her when she found out. This time, none of that would happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have an amaaaaazing day


	5. TIME TO CUT ARCHIE'S DICK OFF

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes

Veronica sat in her golden rich ass Porsche, wondering if she should go to Archie's to have sex with him or go to Betty's. She decided to go to Betty's since Archie was busy fucking Jughead. As she drove to Betty's house, she noticed there was an abundance of smoke in the air, probably from Betty smoking Hermione's drugs or something. But as she drove closer, she realized that Betty's whole ass house wasn't even there anymore. There was just an empty plot of land.

Betty was on her front lawn, brushing her teeth. 

"Betty! Where the fuck is your house?" Veronica asked as she rolled down her car window in Betty's driveway. She proceeded to get out of her car as Betty answered.

"I burned it down," Betty replied, spitting out her toothpaste.

"What do you mean? You legit burned your whole goddamn house down?" Veronica said.

"Yes, I legit burned my whole goddamn house down," Betty replied.

"...What the...how? Are you dumb?" Veronica exclaimed.

"Ugh, let me tell you what happened, you hoe," Betty said, recalling what happened about a quarter of an hour ago.

_Betty dragged a few pieces of wood, gas, and matches upstairs, towards Chic's room. She didn't know much about starting fires, but she knew that it had something to do with wood and gas. And of course, matches._

_As she entered Chic's room, she noticed that he was fast asleep. She tossed the wood onto Chic's bed. She poured the whole gas can onto Chic's room, over the wood. It smelled like shit, but Betty was too busy striking matches. Tossing a lit match onto Chic's bed, Betty watched the fire gradually grow._

_Chich woke up to the heat, extremely confused; he met Betty's piercing eyes, and he was fucking shook. "What the fuck, Betty?" Chich screamed, the flames now engulfing him._

_Betty skipped out of the door, and then out of the house, with a big fat grin on her face._

"Uh, where the fuck is Chic then?" Veronica asked.

"Why're you asking me?" Betty said.

"Oh my gosh. Okay...so did you tell your mom yet?"

"Yeah."

"Does she know it's your fault?"

"No, because it's not my fault! What are you talking about?"

"You just fucking told me that you burned your house down!"

"But it's not my fault!"

"What the fuck do you mean by it's not your fault? It's obviously your fucking fault!"

"It's not my fault that fire exists, is it? It's not my fault that my fucking house is flammable, is it? It's not my fucking fault the Black Hood is the janitor, is it? Hm?" Betty yelled, starring Veronica down.

"Whatever. So where are you going to live?" Veronica said, pursing her lips.

"Well...I was going to ask you if I could, uh...stay over at your place for now?"

"Are you joking?" Veronica laughed. "Fuck no!"

"Bitch, your big ass house literally has forty bedrooms and you only got three people in your family, I'm sure all of you can spare  _one_ room."

"Still. My answer is a definitive no."

Betty sighed. "Why? Is it because you fucked Archie in each bedroom? Hm? Are there too many fucking stains?"

Veronica gasped and bitch-slapped Betty across her cheek. "Watch your fucking mouth. The mouth that you suck Jughead's dick with."

Betty gasped and punched Veronica right on her nose. 

 

\---

 

"This is a horrible idea," Toni sighed, standing with Cheryl in front of Archie's home.

"Well, it was  _your_ horrible idea," Cheryl said.

"Shut the fuck up," Toni replied. Toni was carrying a briefcase, and the two of them were both wearing gloves, with gas masks.

They started to head indoors, kicking the front door down. Their plan was to go to Archie's room. And then, cut his dick off.

When they arrived at Archie's room, he was busy dreaming, probably about something sexual. Both of them started to apply Anesthesia (they got it from Hermione) on every inch of Archie that they could find. They ripped his shorts off, and pushed him off the bed, onto the ground, his back on the ground. 

Toni unlocked the briefcase. "Scalpel?" She asked Cheryl.

Cheryl looked at her with a look of  _are you dumb?_  "Toni, the fucking briefcase with all of the tools in it are right next to you. Just move your hand and get it out, ass."

"I asked for the fucking scalpel, not for your dumbass instructions. Now, give me the scalpel."

Cheryl sighed, reached over, and withdrew the scalpel from the briefcase. "Here." 

"Thanks," Toni replied.

"Wait, hold up...Why are we cutting Archie's dick off again?"

"For the 69th time, it's because we need to get the drugs out of his bod that we overdosed him with. We have to ensure that people think it's really the Black Hood, and not some angsty teens."

"I'm pretty sure that cutting off someone's dick won't get rid of the drugs," Cheryl pointed out.

"Just...fucking roll with it. Plus, if Archie's dick is cut, he can lose about 10 pounds."

"True. Well, let's cut this motherfucker up," Cheryl said.

Instead of a precise cut, Toni started sawing away at the posterior end of the dick, as if she was cutting wood frantically. Blood and sperm spat out everywhere.

"Shouldn't we put a condom on him? We might get pregnant like this," Cheryl said.

"Bitch, it doesn't work like that," Toni replied, halfway through Archie's dick. After several back-and-forth motions, Archie's dick was finally cut off. Cheryl held it up, and it was as long as her arm. 

"Well, what do we do now?" Cheryl questioned.

"Sell it on eBay," Toni responded, dead-serious.

 

\---

 

"Jesus  _fuck_!" Kevin exclaimed as he looked at Veronica and Betty. "What happened to you two?" Betty and Veronica's faces were swollen and discolored, and covered with bruises and red hand-slap marks.

Betty tried to talk, but she couldn't budge a muscle in her face because of the swelling. Veronica attempted to move her mouth as well, and all that came out was: "Go...fuck...yourself."

"Thanks," Kevin retorted. "You guys should go to the hospital...it looks really bad."

"Bad my ass," Veronica snorted. 

"Ugh, you two are  _such_ bitches!" Kevin yelled.

"Suck...my.......ass," Betty managed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have a kewl day


End file.
